Just a tiny hollow, passing by
by TheRealSokka
Summary: A hollow's journey through the beautiful/deadly/depressing/irritating world of Dark Souls 3. From the perspective of an experienced, yet somewhat incompetent player...
1. The Journey begins

**A hollow's journey through the beautiful/deadly/depressing/irritating world of Dark Souls 3**

 **Key:**

 **Bold = game messages, indication of speakers**

 _Italics = NPCs speaking, special thoughts, messages_

 _*doing* = in-game actions_

*doing* = player actions

 **Chapter 1 The Journey begins**

- **Player** : Hell yeah! It's finally here, took long enough. No time to be wasted, let's jump right in! That is, wait, is everything ready? *checks* One backup mouse and keyboard…Check! Two pounds of anti-stress-chocolate…Check! Writing pad and pencil for the death counter…Check! Lots of motivation and willingness to die? But of course! Let's do this! (I hope I haven't gotten rusty…)

- **New Game.**

- _Yes, indeed._

-Cool, it's the old epic-narration-lady! Man, good to hear from you again.

- _Aldritch, Saint of the Deep._

-Uuhm, that's a giant black blob…

 _-Farron's Undead Legion, the Abyss Watchers._

-OMG! That's Artorias' sword! Always more of that please! *realization* Shit, I'll have to fight a horde of Artorias fanboys, haven't I?

 _-And the reclusive lord of the Profaned Capital…_

-Aw, please not another giant! I don't want to fight a pair of ankles for two hours again!

 _-…Yhorm the giant._

-Ok, make that a _flaming_ giant. Well, I guess there's no way it's as bad as the Last Giant (and he looks hella cool!).

 _-Nameless, accursed undead, unfit even to be cinder._

-Is it just me or is the player character getting shittier with each game?

 _-And so it is, that ash seeketh embers._

-And so it is, that I seek death, demise and misery. Lets go.

-Ok, character-creation time. Hmmm, should I go with a serious look or with a giant red melon for a head? Nah, that's too distracting for the first time. There you go: Strong, black haired, with an imposing mustache and hook nose (come on, a little extravagant is inevitable). I shall name thee – Fred.

-Goddammit, they removed the pendant. I guess I'll take firebombs then, those never hurt.

-Hey, look at that, a few new classes to choose from. And, of course, good 'n old Deprived. Maybe for some extra challenge… *pretends to consider it* Yeah, no, I'll take a Herald, thank you. Better play it safe for now. I hope that doesn't count as a cleric, don't want to piss off Patches.

-Guess this is as ready as I'm gonna get. Let's see how long I last…

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

- **Cemetery of Ash**

-Aaand there's the tutorial area. Looks depressing as always. Also, holy shit, I actually have my weapons this time! Alriight, where's my first victim?

-I'm scared. These guys all die in one hit. Where's the trap…

-Huh. Even the archers aren't the pain in the ass they used to be. Looks like their going easy on new players. The giant crack there looks like progress…

- _Gorgeous view ahead._

-Damn right you are, unknown player. Man, this looks amazing… * _looks up_ * Well, that's a view and a half. Can't wait to get to that castle up there… *dawning realization* Nothing good ever comes from giant castles on cliffs in these games… *shivers*

-Hello, bonfire. So this is the road forward, time to go back and check for the dozens of secrets that I missed.

- _Turn back._

-Not happening, game. I beat your ancestors, I ain't gonna quit in the tutorial area.

-Is that a crystal lizard? What, have they actually made them an enemyyyyyy….HOLY JESUS, THAT's FAST! * _gets rolled over by a giant ball of crystals_ *

- **You died**

-Well, so much for that. 10 minutes in, first death. Man, I missed that logo. Let's go again.

-Holy shit; that damage. Is this the black knight of this game?

- **You died**

-Look, all your little children I killed in the first game, that wasn't personal, I just needed their stones…Which kind of makes me wonder what _you_ are going to drop…

-* _dodges ball of death, stabs with spear_ * Phew, down it goes, finally. First test: passed. Goddammit that's a lot of souls. …So, uhm, where do I even spend these?

-That seems to be all for now. The level-up-place must be somewhere ahead, time to move forward.

-These hollows are a joke; I mean, who actually dies to these guys? I know that's dangerous to say, but come on, they can't even hit me!

-Big stone doorway…large open area…lonely figure in armour in the middle…I'm gonna die, aren't I?

-What do you know, it's not active yet. It says: 'Draw out sword'. He's gonna be so thankful, I'm sure…

-Hello? Ah, ok, he moves. Holy shit, what is that black thing on his back? Holy shit he's got a halberd. Holy shit, he's slow as all hell. 'Iudex Gundyr', I think you're going down.

-When am I gonna learn to control my greed? When a humanoid boss raises his arm in an obvious grab attempt, you role the fuck away, not stay right in front of him and attack. That's Souls 101. _What the…?_

-Ok, just to recap: He picks me up by the head with a gloved hand, impales me on his halberd and just for good measure, he flings me around the arena. How am I alive again?

-Nevermind. Damn, that thing has a long reach. **You died**. Ok; patience, Fred, patience. He's slow, so you just stay close to him and don't hit him more than twice in a row. Easy.

-Almost too easy. He hasn't even hit me once. Half health, and I still have all my heals; looks good – uhm, what? Black? Hand? What? _WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!_ That's like twice the size of him! Oh my god, it is quick. Giant hand, okay. Okay. Calm down. Learn the moves…Arrgh, I can't see! Camera, please…

- **You died.**

-Well, that was unexpected, to say the least. Giant in amour too easy? Let's make him into a black tar monster at half health and make it crush half your healthbar with anything it does! I hate you Fromsoftware…

-What? He still has his halberd underneath all that stuff? **You died**. Come on, this is the tutorial boss! I'm not supposed to die here!

-Hey, there's a little ledge down there, with an item. Guarded of course. Maybe it can help me here? *unwarranted optimism*

-Plunge attack for the win, he never even saw it coming. Sweet, firebombs. Guess that means that's his weakness; let's try tha…Ouch, hey! Stop it hollow! * _gets stabbed_ * Hell no, I'm not dying here! * _rolls backwards into the wall_ * * _panics and rolls sideways into the abyss_ * Nooooooooo! I'm such an….arrgh! **You died**. Why does it have to be such a stupid death? I could have just attacked him…Oh shit! That's all my souls gone…*sighs in resignation* Well, at least I have nothing to lose anymore…

-Bring it Gundyr. * _dodges_ * Take this! * _stabs_ * And that! * _throws firebomb_ * (dammit, that doesn't even graze him) * _gets hit by a delayed swing_ * Motherf**er, stop that! * _stabs again_ * Ok, transformation time. Back up and heal aand..dodge! Ok, he is manageable. Woah, careful; big hand. * _stabs, gets stabbed_ * Ouch! Back off, back off! Heal – damn it, that's the last one! Come on, he's so close to death…

-Chaarge! Yeah, just two more hits…CAMERA! Get out of him; I need to see what I'm doing! * _gets slammed into the ground_ * Please no, please no, he's almost dead. Uuuuuuuhmmmm….? Firebomb? * _throws_ * Wow, that damage! Why does he take so much damage now…He's dead! He's really dead! Woohooo, heck yeah! **Ember restored**. *ignores* Wow, I did it. That was cool! Hey, look, a bonfire; so deserved. * _rests_ * Good riddance Mr. Gundyr, good fight! Tough first boss, for sure.*pauses* If you are any indication, I'm already scared of what comes after you (and I still can't level up…).


	2. A familiar place and lots of questions

**Key:**

 **Bold = game messages, indication of speakers**

 _Italics = NPCs speaking, special thoughts, messages_

 _*doing* = in-game actions_

*doing* = player actions

 **Chapter 2: A familiar place and lots of questions**

* * *

Hnnnnnnnngggghhhh! Jhiiiiiiiiii…..! – Sorry, the door opening is just so dramatic! There's one thing that never changes. Where did I get the key for this anyway…?

And it continues; already the next item—broken straight sword. Figures. Has anyone ever used that?

Aand more mindless hollows guarding some treasure. Look at them, they're so cute, thinking they'll just kill me with their broken weapons. I kind of feel bad killing them.

Wait, why am I on fire?

This! Is! Sparta! Weeeee, there he goes! Oh boy, that's a long way down.

…I'm a terrible person.

Obvious progression is obvious. Hmmm, right or left, left or right? * _turns left_ * Yet more tombstones. My god they're really setting the atmosphere early on. Oh, hello hollows waiting to ambush me.* _two quick stabs later_ * You're horrible at your job, you know that?

That is a Katana. Wielded by a naked man. Oh joy.

* _Stabby stab_ *. Man, range for the win; I think this Herald was the perfect starting choice. He's got a lot of health for a naked man…

Ouch! Got greedy, paid for it. Let me just heal real quick…Jesus man, gimme a break, you're not being nice! * _slashy slash_ * What the… Excuse me; where did all my health go?!

 **You died.**

Alright Minamoto, take two. No underestimating you this time. I really want your weapon…

Oh Jesus, forgot about the hollows. Thankfully, they really do a terrible job; I don't know what I have to do for them to activate. Jesus! Alright man, haven't forgotten about you, be with you in a second!

Did he just…? Dude! **You died**. Since when can Katanas parry?! *Grrrrrrrrr*. I'll get that thing, just you wait!

Gravity, I call upon thee! Be my ally this once! That's right, over here. Ok: Fromsoft pathfinding AI strikes in three, two, one… Aaaand bye. Nice to know that's still possible. …. Can I have his weapon please?

Well, that's a bummer. Looks like this spear will make it a while longer. Onward, then.

Hello doggy. Bye doggy. Not going to find out how annoying you are in this game. Well, I'm back where I started. Time to enter…

That's a big throne. Those are multiple big thrones. Should I be scared?

 **Firelink Shrine**.

*stares*

* **Fades***

Excuse me?

Did that just say what I thought it said? Cause if so, then how is this Firelink? Last I checked it looked a lot different. And it was in Lordran, not… Ok, this is getting weird. You, NPC in the middle, what is going on here?

"Welcome to the bonfire, Unkindled one. I am a Fire Keeper."

You're not doing too much of a good job there, woman; there's no bonfire there. But who cares; you're my Level-up-Lady as well! Ok, some stamina please. Nice. I take it back; you are pretty nice, Lady. I guess this is my hub for the next hundred hours, then- also, is that Andre, hammering away over there?!

Goddammit it is! How ye're doin pal?

Wow, same voice and everything. Still offering smithing tutorials. And still hammering the same old sword, I see. By now, that's either level 100 or broken; either way, that is dedication. Really nice to have you back, mate. Doesn't change the fact though that I don't possess any Titanite, Estus Shards, Gems or anything else worthwhile to you. Sorry, I'll be back eventually.

This place loops around quite a lot. Like the original, I guess; though I still don't know if this is supposed to be the same one. Hey, I think I can see the local pessimist over there…

"We Unkindled are worthless. Can't even die right!"

Well, you haven't changed a bit. I'd cheer you up, but seeing as you're basically right and are probably gonna die anyway once I ring some bell, that doesn't seem right. But carry on please, give me some information. Ah, the Lords of Cinder. Five Thrones for five Lords, I thought so. Guessing I can just politely ask them to come home, right? Because that's how _that_ always works out. Usually it's only four, though; I'm kind of afraid of the fifth one with his giant throne up there.

So where do I go from here? Up…?

Hello, old giant tree. If the online-mode actually works now, you might even be useful someday. I should probably not mock that; it's not like I want an invader first thing I see.

Locked door and ladder. Let's make a mental note to come back here. Always return to places, third rule of Dark Souls.

Did I miss something? Where's the path forward? Whoops, hello, old lady. Didn't even see you there. Ooh, you're the local merchant; that's certainly good to know. You wouldn't have a map by chance? I can't remember there ever being one in these games, but one has to keep hoping, right? My, you have some interesting stuff, but I'm afraid I'm a little poor right now. Again, see you later. You kind of look and sound like those hags from Dark Souls 2…

Oi, Fire Keeper-without-fire! Directions, please!

"Ashen one, produce the coiled sword at the bonfire. The mark of Ash will guide thee to the Land of the Lords…"

Coiled sword? Do I have that? Oh, I have! So- Oh dear, am I that thick? I am, aren't I? They gave me the sword and the place for the bonfire, that's like a step by step instruction what to do! Although, in my defence, you never had to _create_ a bonfire yourself before. Still…

High Wall of Lothric, here I come! Took me only twenty minutes, but whatever. Got a Firelink Shrine, a smith, a nice Level-up-Lady, a cranky merchant and the pessimistic fellow. No katana though. Everything set for the game to begin.


	3. High Wall of Lothric

**Key:**

 **Bold = game messages, indication of speakers**

 _Italics = NPCs speaking, special thoughts, messages_

 _*doing* = in-game actions_

*doing* = player actions

 **Chapter 3: High Wall of Lothric**

* * *

Here we are. In a cupboard-sized room with no bonfire that would have allowed a teleport and just one closed door. Also there's just a casual Lordvessel back there. Cool. Was kind of expecting a little more of something called 'High Wall of Lothric', but whatever. Let's open this up…

 **High Wall of Lothric.**

Scratch everything I just said; this is gorgeous. Are we starting off in Anor Londo this time? Well, the game is only going to get meaner from here; at least we're establishing that from the get-go.

Ah, there's the bonfire. With…some…weird tree-people just hanging about. Hostile? * _stabs_ * Non-hostile. Hm, weird. But oh boy, there's a 'dead', quote-un-quote, dragon over there. I'll take the other path, thank you.

Dogs. Why do there have to be dogs? Better get the shield re- what's that noise? * _gets shot in the back_ * Sneaky little Hollow. Go away, no one wants you * _kills_ *. Okay, back to business.

Note to self: always bring a shield along for a dog-fight. They seem to be utterly useless against one. Speaking of; hey, big Hollow, I need to practice parrying again, would you lend me a hand? I've probably gotten pretty rusty. What are your attacks…? Woa! * _panic parries flawlessly_ * Aaand critical. Damn, that's still satisfying as hell. You still alive? Well, not anymore. What were you guarding here?

Again with the archers? Come here you little… Uhm, what are you…? * _black tar-demon from hell explodes from a Hollow_ * Jesus! Stop it with that! Ok, backing off. You're not even a boss this time, I can probably take you. I'm not in reach, you can stop attacking now. Uhm…now? Now? Ouch! * _hell spawn continues moving about*_ Ok; roll. Do you ever stop attac-.

 **You died.**

Ok, that was unpleasant. I don't think it itself knew what it was doing there, but it sure was effective. Let's not do that again. There was another way down over by the dogs, though.

Hello there, big guy with axe. Better don't block that one. * _Roll; backstab; dead_ * And a locked door; classic. Maybe a shortcut for later.

Now for the dragon. Get ready to run- or kill these Hollows first, I guess. * _Lantern Hollow starts screaming*_ That would be the wake-up call. For- one tiny Hollow? What about the dragon?

Huh. Seems he's actually dead. That's a new one. There's gotta be a live one around here somewhere; they wouldn't just tease that.

 **One dark room and ladder later**. A Hollow with a shield. Let's try this… * _hits the shield; gets stabbed_ * No, that's not it- * _kicks shield_ * That's what I wanted; thank you. Still a bit awkward, but less clunky then before. There are a lot of you guys down that alley; I'm going to take top first.

Oh hello, another axe guy. I think I'll call you Friedolin, if you are a recurring enemy from now on. There are a lot of items here. * _Wings flap; a wild dragon appears on the tower_ * Ookay, there's the live one. Duck and Cover! * _Firebreath over the entire yard_ *. Yeah, about what I expected. Those are probably some really good items, too. Damn tease. At least you're killing all the enemies for me; much appreciated!

There's a door underneath him- I can probably make that, right? * _starts sprinting_ * Ouch; fire. Ouch. Run please. * _New wave of fire incoming_ * Whew close one; I think my neck got singed there. And my reward is- a chest. In an otherwise empty room. With a _lot_ of bloodstains in front. Come on.

Jep, Mimic alright. God knows I haven't missed you one bit, with your gangly legs and tongue. Luckily you still have no clue how to hit me when I'm close, though. * _Chest-imposer falls_ * And I get- a battle axe? Kind of underwhelming- but holy shit that is some nice damage. Sorry spear, gonna try this out.

That's a legitimate knight; first one I've seen here. How much health to you have? * _Strikes_ * Not that much, actually. Ok, but then again I don't either. Better block. Ah, he can do that to, ey? Well, here's one thing that always works… * _starts to circle on the shield-side; proceeds to get said shield to the face_ * Ouch. Yeah, okay, they've fixed that one. Hammer away, then!

Well, that could have gone better; I've got no Estus left. Where's the next bonfire? *gets jump scared by jet another Hollow* Grrr, die! Oh, item on precarious ledge? Later when I've got a checkpoint perhaps. Let's try up first; I don't like the look of those barrels down there.

Praise the sun! * _sits at bonfire_ * Ok Lothric, be right back. **One quick Level-up session later** Down it is, then. That's right, knight, you've seen nothing. Plunge attack? Plunge attack! I'm awesome. Yes, come here little Hollow, you'll get your turn as well.

Yet more poor Hollows praying to these dead dragons. And more over there, praying to the weird trees. Make up your mind guys; your religion is on Hindu-levels of confusing! They seem to be non-hostile; let's just let them live for once.

Lizard! No, come back here! Hiyah! * _cute little bugger flops upside down_ * A gem, nice. He was about to fling himself off there, the bastard. Speaking off; that seems to be my direction as we- * _infernal screams as another hell spawn erupts amidst the praying Hollows_ * No thank you, not dealing with that now; I'm off.

Stop blocking already you big bugger of a knight! I don't have infinite stamina! * _breaks guard*_ Oh, can I-? * _performs critical_ * Sure can! And it kills him in one hit, too. I think I like this axe.

That has to be the worst hidden path I've ever seen * _rolls through barrels_ *. And I get some leaves for my efforts. Figures.

Big room down there, how do I get down there? * _Cue jump scare Hollow_ * Hrghn! What did I tell you about that?! Those are some big guys down there. I'm gonna check upstairs first. Mimic? No, but guarded. Die. Wait- I just realized the very first chest in the game was a mimic. That's just cruel.

Sweet, a new shield. Better stability; let's use that. Crying Hollow? Mercilessly killed; better safe than sorry. Oy, big halberd-guy, over here! Aaand plunge attack! That is some nice dam- * _cue giant axe in the back, followed by giant halberd to the face*._

 **You died.**

Guess what assholes; I'm back! One by one this time. Thaat's it. They are really not tough on their own. Now, what is it that was so important to protect? **Estus Shard**. Holy moly, that _is_ pretty ni- * _cue firebomb from above, into suspicious barrels_ *.

 **You died.**

….Now that's just mean.

And to think I thought about sparing you! * _miscreant dies_ * Don't plunge attack this time; one by one, once again. Or- screw it * _throws firebomb_ * Now that's a lot easier. Why didn't I do this the first time? Whups, almost missed you there, doggy. Die please. Good dog. And a cell key! Don't think I've found that cell jet, though.

That room was evil. What's next? *gets a good look at the fat giant below* …..Why am I even asking? I guess- I just jump down when he's on the other side? * _Proceeds; cue wannabe jump scare Hollow*_ No, sit down! Hope the big guy didn't hear that. Nah, he's fine walking in circles, the oaf. I'll leave you for later.

Which way now? * _crossbow snapping; inspires a perfect blind arrow dodge_ * Ok, that way I guess. Come here, you.

I don't trust this. Why is there just one guy in the middle of this courtyard? Where's the ambush?

There's the ambush. Aren't you the praying guys? You die in one hit, right?

Elevator. Shortcut?! Shortcut! And there's Friedolin with his axe. Missed you buddy. Dogs, yes, yes. Don't even care about you, arrow guy; just let me sit at my bonfire. Ah, feels good. Shortcuts are back in force. I guess I'll just head straight back down.

Get out of it, one-hit-Hollows. * _gets stabbed by broken sword_ * Yes, yes, now- * _once again_ * okay, can I just- * _gets flailed into oblivion_ * Stop that! Die! Thank you! Jesus, these guys need to calm down. Luckily those broken weapons aren't doing much.

Now, let's see how tough you are, big guy. Here comes the swing- and wow; that was a 100% block. Seems doable. One hit in, and- * _blocks_ *. You've got to feel bad, man. And I see you winding up, there; what is that? * _Cue fat giant Beyblade performance_ * Woahkay, can't quite block _that_. You're half-way dead, though. Block and hit, block and hit. What now? * _floating fat man calls down heavenly lasers*_ Ahm, what? * _Backs off_ * Yea, please don't do that again. Just die.

Back where we were. Beautiful courtyard, I must say. The knights not so much. Let's see how this works out.

Kind of tough, these guys, but manageable if I could remember to block. That church looks like a boss fight; let's not right now * _turns left_ *. Hey, a blue knight. I can sneak up on you… Aand- okay, not a backstab. Oh hell, you've got red eyes; that's never good. Careful now, Fred. Though he seems to have the same moves as his cousins, just more health. * _Knight makes his blade shiny_ * …Well. I guess no blocking anymore, right?

Just hit him, stun him; there you go. What's that pose? Why are you not staggering?! Oh, no, roll- * _shiny swing of doom_ *.

 **You died.**

Why am I even fighting you; you're not protecting anything. At this point it's just revenge, really. * _swings_ * And how sweet it is! No way, did I get your armour _and_ a gem? You shouldn't have! But I am so wearing that! Look, at me; I look stylish as hell. How about you, knight on the right? We're pals now, correct? Nope, guess not. Let me just see if I can parry you, that would make things a lot easier. Aaand- * _shouts_ *- what the…* _gets hit_ *. What did I press? I said parry! * _Déjà vu_ * What- ok, screw it, just die. What the hell was that?

Ooooh, this shield can't parry. 'Weapon Skill'. What is my weapon skill?

Well that explains it. So if I- * _shouts_ * ah, ok, so now I have a damage buff. Nice, but I'd really like to parry. Maybe there's a shield that can do both? So, hold on, what was my spear's weapon skill? 'Piercing shields', I see. Come here, Hollow; I need a test subject.

Well, used up all my blue bar. So you do need that even if you're not a mage. Hmm. Maybe I should try a spellsword build. For now though, axe it is.

Ahm, that also looks like a boss arena. But there can't be two so close together, right? But then I do have a lot of souls- let's get the homeward bones ready.

This is definitely a boss. Is something going to burst through that cracked door? Or a demon from above? One way to find out.

There we go. I dread to imagine what will come out of that cloud. …Oh- a dog-knight? With…the mace of Sauron and the scream of a banshee. Yeah. Time to leave. * _pussies out_ *.

I'm back, Vordt. With four Estus and an infinitely higher chance of killing you dead. Bring it on. * _Super slow swing of doom; dodge_ * Ahm, I'm kind of inside him. Attack, I guess? My god, you have less health than the red eyed knight. And you seem to have terrible trouble hitting me. This might be easier than I thought.

Then again, he's screaming suddenly. Is that bad news? * _gets trampled over_ * That would be a Yes. * _second charge_ * Ok, big boy, calm down- * _third charge_ * Ok, quick Estus. What are you doing? Ahm, runnning behind you. * _Ice-spray in front_ * I seem to be safe. Attack! * _Ice-spray continues_ * You're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you, Vordt? * _Mace-attack in front; gets hit behind him*_ Ow. But then you don't need brains when you can just slam me to death, hm? **Frostbite**. Oh dear, what is that now? Let's kill you quickly, before that does something. Just be patient and-* _dodge_ * hack away! Right in the face! **Heir of Fire Destroyed**. How were you an Heir of Fire with your entire cold-gimmick? **Ember Restored.**

Oh well, I'm not complaining; I've got a new bonfire, and the giant doors are opening magically. Let's just have a quick look what awaits beyond.

 _Gorgeous view ahead. Gorgeous view ahead. Gorgeous view ahead._ Three messages for the same thing, and I can't say I fault them. You can see a _lot_ from here. I wonder how much of this I am going to be visiting- after I level up, that is. I am on fire again!

* * *

 **This has gotten longer than planned. I can't really tell if this is too in-depth; if it is, let me know. Certainly don't want this to become tedious.**


	4. Undead, UndeadOh, a Tree!

**Key:**

 **Bold = game messages, indication of speakers**

 _Italics = NPCs speaking, special thoughts, messages_

 _*doing* = in-game actions_

*doing* = player actions

* * *

 **Undead, Undead… Oh, a Tree!**

* * *

Aand, we're back. High Wall of Lothric, 'Vordt of the Boreal Valley' bonfire. Feels like an eternity since I've last been here.

Courtesy of Vordt (or his souls, rather) I've also got myself a little bit more health. You never know when you might need it. But enough talking. Onwards!

…to where, though? This is a dead end. Just this bottomless cliff right here. Still an _amazing_ view, though. I just figured the boss was the way forward, but guess not. Time to go exploring again. At least I know this courtyard like the back of my hand now.

 _One quick, unplanned agro of the Lothric Knight tag-team later..._

 **You died.**

Well, that didn't take long. I think I can take on anything one on one right now, but it gets really gnarly when there's more than one guy attacking. Let's play it careful. Also, quick side note while I'm back here; I love Vordt's arena. With the floor tiles all crushed and trampled over – nice touch.

Okay, so, the knights are dead. There's still that ominous hall here on the other end of the courtyard. Boss number 2?

Yep, definitely boss number 2. Large space, claw marks on the carpet – at least they make it pretty clear what you are wandering into. Let's give a wave to the 'harmless old lady' over there. She's totally not going to kick my ass, I'm sure.

* _carefully tip-toes closer_ * Nothing's triggered yet…

"Unkindled One. I am Emma, High Priestess of Lothric Castle…"

Huh?

 _One big blablablablabla later_ …

I stand corrected. Thank you, actually harmless lady who gave me a banner, a covenant and free advice on the boss that I just killed. I guess you were supposed to come here first? Thought how you'd figure that out beforehand is a mystery to me.

Ok, so, if I understand this correctly, I need the banner to move forward behind Vordt. That would explain it. I still don't get this room, though. I thought for sure this was a boss. Moving on, I guess.

 _Hold up envoy banner._

Will do, game. Though, how that's gonna help me I'm not entirely – oh, a cut scene!

That's a hand. With claws. What have I gotten myself into now? _Oooh_. Okay, it's just you guys. Aaand you're grabbing me, of course. Nice to see that's still a thing. I wonder if it's still the same three demons from the first game. I hope not. Just think about that: that would really suck; to be stuck as every undead's personal air taxi for – however long it takes between each game.

Also: I refuse to think that this would be an accepted method of safe travel. Whereto dost thou take me, demon?

* _gets dropped off on a broken tower_ *

 **Undead Settlement**.

Okay then. I've gone straight from the highest castle to the lowest of slums. Progress?

* _Takes a little sight-seeing tour_ * Not exactly well kept this place. Though the bridge looks sturdy enough. Except for the collapsed part down there – and of course that 'dead' dragon on the other end. Boy, can't wait to get to you…

Hey, there's the first local residents down there. They look in really bad shape. Like, _really_ bad; worse even than the other hollows so far. Do you want to be let in, too? We have the same goal here, people; I come in peace. Just passing through; don't even mind me and I won't kill you.

What do you know; they actually don't mind. I think these are the first things that haven't tried to kill me on sight. Wondering how long that will last.

* _Gate opens_ *

Aw, how about that; the locals are letting them in. That's really nice of the…"

* _Angry pack of zombie dogs appear and proceed to murder every single peaceful Hollow_ *

Oh wow. Now that's the opposite of nice. And they immediately start killing everything. Why did I think anyone in this game had a soul? Heartless bastards; everyone. Oy; dogs; leave these poor guys alone and come to me! You seriously need to be euthanized.

* _Proceeds to get stun-locked into oblivion by angry pack of zombie dogs. Eventually, wild axe-swinging prevails.*_

Phew. I have literally no health. Have I mentioned yet that I hate dogs?

Yeah, keep smirking at me there on the other side. 'He'll never get in!' You do know there's a lever right here, right?

Apparently he didn't. His last mistake *evil laugh*. Also: Bonfire!

These villagers are _not_ ready to fight me. Look at this; that guy's coming at me with a freaking plow! You know, I'd happily leave you to your gardening if you gave me the option. No? No. I guess I'll just kill you and invade your home, then.

This really is a slum. * _picks up item_ * What is a 'charcoal pine bundle' now..? More importantly, what was that noise behind me?! * _turns around and gets jumped on by a tiny man with a wizard hat_ * Ow! Hey! Get off me! Dude. * _little man jumps off after_ **a lot** _of face-stabs_ * Are you done now? No, he's not. * _dodge_ * Can you die, please?

* _Miscreant does as asked_ *

Okay then. Note to self; piggy-back rides are not as much fun as they look. Are there more of you in here?

Of course there are. But they don't seem to know I'm here yet. Sneaky plunge-attack? * _exactly that_ * Yeah, that works. His buddy saw me, though. * _dwarf comes in swinging_ * Can I block you…? Wow. Answer: Yes; easily. Barely took any stamina, too. Well that makes live a lot more liveable, doesn't it? Let's get the last one. Why are you guys wearing Harry Potter hats?

That is _a lot_ of people in this square right here. And they are praising the giant bonfire. I won't seriously have to fight all of them, will I?

Apparently I do. There has to be some way around this. Hey; are those exploding barrels? * _throws an experimental fire bomb_ *

* _Gigantic explosion throws three unfortunate villagers to the other side of the square_ *

Hihi! That is fun! Can I do it again? * _another firebomb; another deadly explosion_ * Holy hell; those guys went flying. And their buddies didn't even care. How you can miss an explosion like that _right-bloody-behind you_ is beyond me. I'm out of barrels though. Time to thin the numbers in close combat * _activates weapon buff_ *.

* _Three dead villagers later_ *

Okay, they've finally noticed I'm here. Took them long enough. Still no great hurry to swarm me, though. They look pretty chilled, all things considered. Except for that big thing with the spiked hammer who's coming straight for me. I guess that one means business.

* _The 'big thing' takes out a book. Mumbles incoherent words. And throws a black, swirly something at Fred_ *

That can't be good, can it? * _dodge- right into it_ * Ouch! * _status-effect bar appears on the bottom of the screen_ * I don't even want to find out what that bar does when it fills up. Let's kill you before it can. * _attacks_ * Okay then; that's not a lot of damage, and you don't stagger at all. And here comes the hammer. * _tries to dodge and gets flung back a couple of yards by a vicious spiked hammer-head_ * Ouch again. You are going to be a pain in my behind, aren't you?

* _Maniacal laughter in response_ *

Okay; someone is enjoying their job. * _gets up, attacks, and manages to dodge the hammer this time_ * She's got a lot of health. Is it a she? I don't know. Perhaps I'm miss-gendering again. * _crazy man/woman/whatever sets themselves on fire and goes for a hug_ * Nooooo, thank you! I don't even wanna find out how fast that would have killed me. Die already, you crazy loon!

Alright then. Just slaughtered half the village plus the local crazy priest. Do I get anything for my troubles? * _picks up Estus Shard_ * …Yeah. That about does it. Not complaining.

There are so many directions to go, it's not even funny. Let's go for the sharp left first and work our way over. Can I open this door? * _opens door_ * Yes, I can; holy shit! I thought for sure this would be one of those 'key required' doors. Sweet.

The room fully of hanging corpses, though? Not quite so sweet. You just know one of those is going to come alive. I guess once I get that taunting item back there…

Well then; here we go. Ambush in three, two, one…

* _picks up item_ *

*jumps to the ceiling as the cage right next to the item starts screaming*

Goddammit! What in the world are you?! * _kills the jump scare_ * Holy shit! I was even ready for it and it still got me! Sneaky. And there's like a bajillion more of those in here. Come on, then. I'm going to pre-emptively hit every single one of you now.

* _one long round of cage- and corpse stabbing later_ *

I get the feeling this game is trolling me. All those corpses, all those cages, and there was exactly the _one_ enemy in there. They just want to make you paranoid, man. I will never trust an inanimate object again. * _turns a corner and stops in his tracks*_ Sweet heart attack in a hand basket; this hallway is full of them. This is just mean.

Oh my god; you can just lock onto the real ones. I'm a moron. Are you alive? No you're not. You? Yes, indeed. Wait; what are those shadows…? * _pair of wizards fall from the ceiling and attack*_ You guys just don't give up. Block you; and you're dea… or not. They are pretty agile. I should probably kill one quick before this gets out of ha… What was that behind me?! * _gets slashed from behind by a wannabee crop harvester_ * Man! Do you mind? I'm a little busy at the moment. Hold on; why do you have red eyes? Should I be worried?

 **You died**.

I know your trick this time, bitches. * _wizards drop once again, this time being greeted by a buffed axe*_ Okay, and now for you, red eyed douche. Not so tough on your own, are you? * _cue an angry exchange of hits, with neither participant bothering with blocking or dodging*_ Grr! Okay. Deep breaths. Could have gone better, but everything is dead for now.

There's another crazy priest up there, throwing stuff. * _villager bursts through a door_ * And you. * _another villager comes in swinging a wooden hammer_ * And also you. You know what; fuck this; I'm just going to run right through. See if you can stop me.

Well. They either can't, don't want to or just forgot; cause nothing is chasing me anymore. I'll just drop down here… And there's a bonfire right here. Holy shit; I've never been so glad to see one! ( _that's a lie; the Anor Londo bonfire behind the archers takes that trophy_ ) Almost as if I'd planned it.

Dear Lord; there's a sever right here. Thankfully, it's locked though * _awful DS1 flashbacks_ *. In that case, I'll happily be going forward. I have no desire to have my face eaten by a slime right now.

And on this path, there's just this giant dude with a machete – and a plank of wood on his back for some reason. I take it that is not meant for sledding, is it? Do I even dare ask?

* _Machete-man must have been offended by that comment, since he's now thundering towards the intruding little Ash (me)_ *

Here comes the pain train * _dodge_ *. And it overshot by a mile. Are you tough? * _attacks_ * Not that much. That's it; keep hitting the ground in front of you, while I attack you from behind. Genius. Perhaps you should invest in a brain. Or a steel plank instead of wood; that way… * _sneaky turnaround and machete to the face_ * …Okay, I should probably stop talking shit. * _dodge; fail_ * Ow! You _also_ have that status effect. Is that bleed? Would make sense with your…* _sharp-toothed machete swings and misses_ * …that. But it's all good; he's doing the front attacks again. Hack away.

* _Machete man dies and disintegrates into dust_ *

Somehow I don't think that means you'll stay dead. You weren't that tough. Onwards.

I don't like this at all. There are so many javelins in the ground. That is foreshadowing if I've ever seen it. Let's move in slowly; shield at the ready. Is that white tree back there important?

* _Giant javelin lands right beside the tree, in the midst of some unfortunate villagers_ *

Woah! I kinda guessed something like that, but still; that must have _hurt_. Where are those coming from? *follows the path of the next projectile to the top of a distant tower* Ah; a giant all the way up there. That is quite an impressive range you've got there, sir. And for now you're apparently helping me. Are you Gough 2.0? Also, what is that little dot up there?

*Little dot slowly grows larger*

Oh dear. Runnnnnning away! * _giant arrow detonates against the stones behind which Fred is cowering*_ That was too close for comfort. So much for being on my side. I guess it's running-through time.

Ah, but all these beautiful items! Greed or safety; safety or greed? Who am I kidding; greed of course. * _picks up the first item_ * What is a 'young white branch'? * _ominous hissing noise in the background_ * Oh hell; here comes the next one * _blind dodge_ *. Holy shit, that worked. What is the rest of this?

 _Another_ white branch. And another * _hissing noise; no blind dodge this time_ *. An also another of those. I should really leave. But I see you there, item on the precarious platform. You know I'm going for that. Dodge the arrow and… * _leap of faith_ * …made it!

Come here, item! You better be good * _picks it up_ *. What on earth is an 'Undead Bone Shard' no…

* _Giant arrow of doom sends Fred flying over the edge_ *

 **You died**.

This game is one giant bait, I swear.

 _Of course_ my souls would be on the other side of the chasm. Leave me alone, peasants! It's leap of faith time. 1, 2, 3 aaaand…* _jumps_ * Hey; I didn't fuck it up! Yey! Oh dear; I can hear the next one incoming. * _dodges; gets hit anyway_ * Fred! Don't slide off! Phew; thank you, man. That was far too close to the edge.

Time to get out of here. Can I jump back…? * _jumps; there's a big_ _ **boom**_ _right behind_ * Yes I can; and not a moment too soon. I'm legging it, fuck this place.

Move! Dude, seriously; get out of the door! You know, there's a giant… * _giant arrow cuts of the rest of that sentence_ * Well; yeah, that. Now you're dead, and I'm alive. Bruised, but alive. How did that work out for you, hah?

At what point does this fucker stop shooting at me?!

Thank Gwyn for this stone building! At least the archer can't seem to get in me here – meaning I'm just waiting for the next ambush. * _tip-toes along the corridor_ * Come on; where are you...?

Okay; no ambush, but a door on one side and a _big_ freaking courtyard on the other. Alright. I mean, just look at this entrance; that practically screams 'fog wall', doesn't it? Looks like I've found the next boss. And I have, like, one Estus left. Where the hell is the next bonfire?

* _Pushes open the door_ * That's not a bonfire. That just looks like a fully grown area; I can see at least a dozen enemies just from here. Did I miss something on the way?

Well then; let's take stock. I've got one Estus, a giant shooting range behind me and no clue where the next bonfire is. This is the plan: take the path of least resistance and hope for the best. Let's head up these stairs here; I don't like the look of that fat priest/ess waddling towards me from the other path.

So far, so right. But that up there is another of those strange guys with the plank on his back. Still don't know what that's about.

Oh, I see you have a pot instead of a machete. Are you the local cook? * _gets pounded into the ground by a giant cooking pot_ * Okay; might have bitten off a bit more than I can chew, here. I'm running. Hopefully he's as slow as he looks.

Nope; not even close! * _dodges deadly potty slam_ * But on the other hand, there's a lot of fire barrels right here. Maybe I can be smart about this. Woah! * _second last-second dodge_ * Okay; keep it cool. Let me just get my distance, aaand…

* _Firebomb lands right in the barrels, causing the appropriate reaction. So far, so good. Sadly, it's not Fred's firebomb, and not the barrels he was aiming for_.*

 **You died**.

Oh my…! Well, okay, that's entirely my fault. I should really question why those barrels are there. _Of course_ , there would be assholes just waiting to set them on fire.

But now I'm all the way back here. And have to traverse the giant's shooting range again. *Heavy sigh*

You know what; fuck it. I made it back to the boss arena more or less in one piece, I have four Estus Flasks, and I'm not even going to bother with that fire-barrel place again. I can totally ace this boss, if that means I'll never have to run through this shitty place again.

Why do I get the feeling like that big tree there at the far back is going to come alive on me? Maybe it's the legion of peasants praying to it. Or maybe the fact that FromSoft hasn't made a real tree boss since the Bed of Chaos. *shivers at the flashbacks* I do hope they've learned something. At least the floor looks stable enough this time around.

Yep, there it is. The thing is turning. And it's a tiny bit bigger up close than I thought. And ewww; you have eggs all over you. Or are those puss sacks? Either way; gross. 'Cursed Rotted Greatwood', huh? At least you can't fault them for being inaccurate with the naming.

Uhm? This thing kind of doesn't take damage. Do I need fire for this? Would make sense, considering it's a tree. But then again, I am already using an axe; so that should have some effect at least. Weird. * _accidentally hits one of the 'eggs', causing an explosion of damage to the bosses health bar_ * Oh! Okay. Got it. Weak spots. Why not.

* _Praying villagers come swarming_ *

Uh, do you guys mind? I'm kind of in the middle of something… * _giant branch comes a-swinging and knocks everyone over, including the annoying peasants_ * Okay then; they aren't getting back up any time soon. That works, too, I guess.

Can I burst your big nut sack? Terribly sorry for calling it that, but the analogy is inevitable * _another gross explosion_ * Yes, I can. And it stuns him, too. Not for long, though * _ugly tree lift itself off the ground_ *.

* _And slams back down, causing the entire floor to collapse and Fred falling to his death_ *

Woooahh! How is that even…? Hold on a second; I'm not dead. How, I have no idea. This really is Bed of Chaos number two. Except that they've apparently gotten rid of the instant death, which I very much applaud. Also, what is that thing doing now? * _enormous gross arm burst out of the trees – ribcage_?*

What is with these bosses growing extra appendages left and right?! Is this the new hobby in these parts? * _arm grabs Fred out of nowhere and proceeds to slam him into the ground_ *

 **You died.**

Well; next to killing me, of course. Let's go again.

*Skip to the end of the fight. Because I'm lazy.*

And there it falls. **Ember Restored**. This is the grossest boss I have ever fought, by a long shot. And this seems to be a dead end, too. I got a 'Transposing Kiln', whatever that is. I'll check that later. For now, I'm just glad this is over. Bonfire time.

You look awfully like an NPC, dead body on the floor. Can't speak to the bugger. Did I fuck something up or are you supposed to look like that? I'll just cross my fingers and say the latter.

* * *

 **I hope people still want to read this. I might move on to skipping a few areas and just do the parts that I have some entertaining ideas for, cause Road of Sacrifices would be a slog.**


End file.
